The benefits of divorce
I committed a grave transgression in my initial matrimony.
I failed to allocate sufficient time for the relationship and busied myself with myriad work engagements. I partook in work-related events, social gatherings, and community activities. I prioritized all facets of my life except the one that existed within the confines of my home.
Despite her desire to communicate frequently and share experiences with me, I shied away upon returning home. My energy reserves had been almost entirely depleted by work and social obligations.
There was no vigour left in me to engage fully with my partner. All I yearned for was solitary confinement in a room, indulging in mindless television or vacuous podcasts. I craved time alone to replenish my energy.
During our arguments, I fought unfairly and persisted in dredging up the past to bolster my arguments. I selectively highlighted past disputes or events from our shared history and intertwined them with our current disagreements.
Rather than addressing a specific disagreement, I painted it with broad strokes. I would assert, “You never did…” or “You always do…,” making sweeping generalizations about my partner with the intention of causing harm.
When we quarreled, I would withdraw and become reclusive. I would go hours or even days without speaking, employing silence as a weapon in an unhealthy style of conflict.
To make matters worse, I frequently invoked the word “divorce” during our marital disputes. Imagine being threatened with “divorce” simply for displaying a disagreement or holding a differing opinion.
Monumental Failure in Matrimony
It pains me greatly to articulate these revelations, for they shed light on the profound pain I inflicted upon my former spouse and the toxic nature of my conduct.
A marriage of this nature was destined for a short lifespan. It endured for a duration that exceeded expectations: seven years. Our determination to preserve the relationship, coupled with the societal pressures to remain wedded, kept us together far longer than we ought to have stayed.
Many of my actions were detrimental and detrimental to establishing a healthy, robust marriage. I demonstrated a lack of proficiency in speaking my partner’s love language, communicating effectively, engaging in constructive arguments, and making amends. In all honesty, I invested no more than 30% of my effort into our marriage.
I deeply regret my conduct during this past relationship and the myriad ways in which I derailed our marital harmony.
When the marriage eventually dissolved, I even convinced myself that my former spouse was solely responsible for its demise. I squarely placed the blame on her!
The Vessel of Self-Discovery
Marriage possesses an intriguing aspect: until one enters a full-time, committed, and legally bound relationship (marriage), they remain unaware of the issues that lie within.
Marriage serves as a vessel through which one can delve into the depths of a relationship. During courtship, a couple moves towards a deepening connection with the aspiration of getting married. They may not cohabit or might have been engaged in a long-distance relationship prior to marriage.
The full extent of what is entailed or the true nature of one’s partner may not be fully grasped. It is only upon marrying that all our qualities and characteristics become fully apparent. We encounter aspects of ourselves and each other that require our acquaintance for the very first time.
Beyond the complexities of the relationship itself, we must confront our responses, reactions, and emotional triggers that arise within this intertwined connection.
In marriage, there is no retreat. Everything lies open and exposed. Our partner comes to know us completely, just as we discover every facet of their being.
It is a constant journey of discovery, albeit not all discoveries are positive. We witness our partner in their most vulnerable state, stripped of the facade they present to the public.
Exploring Myself
Following the demise of my troubled marriage, I engaged in a profound process of introspection.
For the first time in my life, I embarked on therapy to illuminate the underlying issues that plagued me.
I delved into my past and uncovered the reasons behind my relational failures owing to my familial upbringing. I recognized why I had not experienced healthy love and why the love that was exemplified to me was not worthy of emulation.
I discovered the absence of love within my own life and the reasons why I lacked self-love. I plumbed the depths of my self-worth and self-esteem issues that had been neglected throughout my existence.
I acknowledged my deficiency in possessing the tools and skills necessary for a successful marriage. I had never been a part of a healthy relationship or witnessed what that truly entailed. My exposure had been limited to unwholesome models of relationships.
Moreover, I realized my incompetence in effective communication with my loved one. I had picked up toxic communication patterns from significant individuals in my life. I learned about the concept of love languages and the unique ways in which individuals express affection.
The Bright Side of a Troubled Marriage
A troubled marriage can wreak havoc on one’s life.
It unearths deep emotional issues, shaking the very core of one’s existence.
It forces a confrontation with one’s inner demons and emotional turmoil.
A tumultuous marriage is turbulent, draining, and brings out the worst in oneself.
However, if one finds themselves enmeshed in such a distressing union, there lies an upside amidst the chaos. In a lukewarm marriage, one merely goes through the motions.
A troubled marriage possesses the potential to upend one’s life, shake them to their core, and expose their deepest issues.
The kind of marriages that incite an existential crisis and prompt questions about one’s identity are the most profound.
You may stumble and falter in marriages that leave you emotionally shattered, but they can also serve as catalysts for a journey of self-discovery and introspection, leading to a rectification of your path.
This, my friend, is the key to triumph in life.
After a marriage has drastically eroded, one must seize the opportunity to set things right and comprehend the factors that contributed to the downfall.
You cannot change your former partner or wallow in regret. Instead, strive to understand where the relationship derailed, reflect upon your own role, and determine how to become a better companion in future relationships.
Failure can only be attributed to those who move on from a broken marriage without acknowledging any wrongdoing, merely attributing the dissolution to circumstance.
Those who, in leaving a marriage, place blame on their ex-partner and perceive the incompatibility as the sole cause are destined to encounter similar circumstances again.
A Glimmer of Hope
Growth is attainable in relationships and in life.
This past marriage may have brought out the worst in you and within the dynamics of your relationship, but it also served as a masterclass in self-discovery and self-realization!
Do not overlook the lessons, the process of introspection, and the wisdom that a failed marriage can impart.
The more tumultuous and challenging the marriage, the more there is to learn about oneself, one’s behaviors, and the art of selecting suitable partners.
When a marriage goes catastrophically wrong, one’s subsequent actions hold immense significance.
Even after a disastrous marriage, one can emerge victorious in life if they:
- Acknowledge their own culpability: Reflect on one’s actions and identify the areas in which one fell short within the relationship.
- Engage in inner work: Explore the emotional wounds and unresolved traumas that were uncovered during the previous relationship. Set out on a path of healing for these deeply ingrained lifelong wounds. Seek counseling, therapy, and any means necessary to facilitate healing.
- Continuously strive for improvement: Acquire and cultivate the relational skills that were lacking in the previous partnership. Ascertain what it takes to become a better partner, and actively implement these changes in future relationships.
- Select compatible partners: Elevate the standards for the types of individuals one chooses to date. The insights gained from the past can shed light on aspects of oneself and on others. Some partners are better suited for a harmonious existence, while others may bring about a repeat of the misery experienced before.
You have paid a dear price for being immersed in an unhealthy marriage. To extract the full value from this experience, it is essential to reflect, learn, and strive for improvement in subsequent relationships.
Failure to learn from the lessons of a failed relationship only paves the way for its repetition in future connections.
After a marriage has crumbled, take a pause, gather your strength, and reflect with the intention of emerging as a better version of yourself in future endeavors.
Another relationship can wait.
However, your healing and personal growth cannot be delayed.