A tale of an exquisite blossom amidst the mire
Our connection was characterized by either vociferous disputes or profound silence.
We would argue until one of us reached the point of emotional surrender, rendered speechless. Alternatively, our disagreements culminated in explosive arguments followed by prolonged periods of silence, an impenetrable barrier dividing us.
We never yielded during arguments, and fairness eluded us. Our past mistakes and shortcomings became regular fodder for confrontations. The transgressions of the past resurfaced, magnifying the intensity of our present conflicts.
We became well-versed in each other’s emotional triggers and deliberately provoked them.
The word “divorce” was a recurring theme in our marriage, until one day we finally succumbed to its reality.
The tempestuous journey of our union reached its tumultuous end at the tumultuous seventh year, when marriages face their most critical juncture.
Blossoming in a Muddy Landscape
We both grew up in challenging environments, albeit for different reasons.
I was raised in an environment where love was not omnipresent. Coming from an immigrant family in America, my upbringing was tinged with distorted notions of parenthood.
My hardworking Indian immigrant parents, engrossed in running a small business, placed paramount importance on education. They exerted immense pressure on us, their children, to outshine academically. They yearned for us to evade the grind they endured running a business, aspiring for our academic success and eventual professional careers.
My brothers, who excelled academically, were treated fairly. I, however, struggled in school and faced relentless punishment, enduring weeks of confinement in my room whenever my report cards fell short of excellence.
Punishment took various forms—austerity in the form of bread and water for challenging household rules or rebelling against my parents’ desires, and physical chastisement for defying the expectations of my Indian parents.
My former partner also grew up in a challenging environment, where her Indian parents rarely expressed their love, displayed favoritism among siblings, and were absent during significant portions of her childhood. Love was scarce, replaced instead by comparisons and criticisms.
Navigating the Murky Waters
We met by chance, but it is likely that we clung to each other in our early twenties as a means of escape from the dysfunctional family environments that had shaped us.
Our treatment of each other did not mirror the treatment we had received from our respective families. The profound bond we shared was rooted in the painful experiences we had individually weathered during our formative years. It was our troubled childhoods that initially drew us together.
Only as our relationship matured and we transformed into a couple did we begin to see the dysfunctional patterns we had absorbed while growing up. We were ill-equipped to handle disagreements and lacked the ability to engage in healthy arguments.
Insignificant matters snowballed into major conflicts. Major conflicts became intolerable. Vocalization escalated into tearful anguish, sleepless nights, and stony silences. It became a recurring cycle that defined our marriage until it was no more.
An Inevitable Outcome
”The lotus flower blooms most beautifully from the deepest and thickest mud.” Buddhist Proverb
Only through reflection and retrospection can I comprehend our inevitable fate.
We were both victims of an invisible force dictating our lives, a force we were oblivious to. Our behaviors, actions, thoughts, and reactions were all programmed into us during our formative years. Everything we had witnessed and experienced while growing up materialized in our relationships.
The screams and criticisms, the physical punishments and confinements imposed upon us by our Indian parents exacted a psychological toll. They taught us how to fight, how to argue, how to coexist in a romantic partnership, and how to love.
My former partner and I were lotus flowers flourishing amidst the dysfunctional and unhealthy dynamics we had grown accustomed to in our families.
As children, we were deprived of the love that should have been bestowed upon us by our parents. No one showed us how to communicate with and treat our loved ones or how to navigate conflicts within our relationships.
What we learned through observation and personal experience was a painful, arduous, and toxic manifestation of love. It was a love that punished the other person for failing to meet one’s expectations, a love that withheld sustenance and freedom, a love that instilled fear through screams, a love that left physical scars on our bodies.
Absorbing the Mire
We never experienced healthy love during our formative years.
How can one demonstrate love when devoid of the understanding of its essence?
The love we learned was an agonizing, abusive, and detrimental distortion. In hindsight, it was not love at all. What we shared with each other was a painful, hurtful, and emotionally abusive rendition of love. It was a love that eroded our spirits and drove us further apart.
We grew up in the anguish and sorrow of disappointing our parents and failing to meet their expectations. We internalized a sense of inadequacy for not living up to the standards they set for us. I fell short of their academic expectations, while she struggled to conform to her siblings’ perceived likeness.
All we did in our relationship was perpetuate the patterns we had absorbed and become accustomed to. We believed the other person consistently fell short of our expectations and standards. We viewed the other person as perpetually in the wrong.
We simply manifested the love we had grown accustomed to.
Repeating the Cycle of Turmoil
We attend school to acquire mathematical and writing skills.
We pursue higher education to obtain degrees and professional certifications.
Teachers and professors dedicate their lives to studying their respective fields and methodologies in order to impart knowledge to us. They rely on research, science, and centuries of academic tradition to share their wisdom.
However, when it comes to love and our families, none of us are taught how to love.
Some fortunate individuals grow up in families that demonstrate healthy ways of loving one another. However, the majority of us are not so fortunate. The family we are born into is a matter of chance. We have no say in the matter.
Many of us endure painful, abusive, and unhealthy love during our formative years. The very individuals who were supposed to teach us about love themselves perpetuated a dysfunctional brand of love.
I am not blaming them, for they too inherited a legacy of unhealthy love that has been passed down from generation to generation. Our parents likely grew up in their own toxic environments, shaping them into the parents they became, replicating the love they themselves had received.
Awakening amidst the Mire
Our past, upbringing, and childhood experiences may have left us disillusioned when it comes to love. However, each one of us has the power to break the cycle.
Emerging from a painful childhood or a lifetime of unhealthy love, certain circumstances unfold that compel us to examine our destructive patterns in adulthood.
Experiencing broken, painful, toxic, or abusive love can serve as a catalyst, prompting us to reevaluate our perception of love. Perhaps it is the treatment we receive from a loved one or the realization of how we treat our loved ones that acts as an awakening, revealing the muddied pool of unhealthy and painful love we find ourselves in.
The first step toward self-discovery and change lies in cultivating awareness.
Only by acknowledging that we are submerged in the murky waters of unhealthy love can we tap into our potential to blossom into radiant lotuses.
Only when we recognize that the love we are accustomed to is abnormal and unnatural can we begin to effect change.
Discovery is the initial stride toward transforming our relationship with love. Only by discerning what is not working and what is detrimental to our well-being can we empower ourselves to adopt new approaches.
Once we uncover the patterns of unhealthy love within ourselves, we can become students of healthy love. Instead of swimming in the mire, we can explore the factors that enable lotuses to thrive, emanating love vibrantly. We can seek out healthy behaviors, cultivate loving thoughts, and respond to pain with compassion.
Embracing the Lotus
”No mud, no lotus.” Thic Nhat Hanh
Despite growing up amidst dysfunctional and unhealthy love, we possess the ability to radiate love into the world in a transformative manner.