Those unmoved by my candidness are not the ones meant for me
”So… please enlighten me regarding your past experiences.”
I don’t commence every rendezvous in this manner. At times, it emerges at the start, and at others, towards the end. Most often, it arises organically during the course of our dialogue.
When I embark on an initial encounter with someone, discussions naturally gravitate towards our individual lives and the paths we’ve traveled in relationships. Inevitably, our divorces come up. I inquire about their experiences and share my own.
Certain companions have expressed surprise and indicated their unreadiness to delve into the topic of divorce or exes during a preliminary meeting. One individual confessed that it was utterly disenchanting and subsequently lost interest in further dating.
One lady opined that I was not adequately prepared for dating due to my inclination to bring up the past and engage in conversations about our divorces. She instructed me to contact her only after I had put in the necessary effort to overcome my past and move forward!
If a prospective companion is unwilling to address their past or prior relationships, then they are not the ideal match for me.
I am not confined to the past. Well, to be truthful, for a period of no less than 10 years following my marriage, I remained entangled in its grip. Divorce was an overwhelming shock to my system, rendering me incapable of letting go or progressing.
For countless years after my divorce, I found myself entrenched in the past. I employed every conceivable method to disentangle myself but struggled immensely. My divorce felt like sinking sand; no matter how hard I tried, I could not extricate myself. I was consumed by regrets, shame, embarrassment, and grief.
As I dated throughout these post-divorce years, I presented myself in varying stages of the process of letting go. My divorce and past relationship not only frequented my thoughts, but also became subjects I desired to explore, comprehend, and find solace in.
I devoured numerous books, attended countless lectures, and sought copious counseling sessions to satiate my longing heart. However, I did not stop there. Remember the “Eat, Pray, Love” sojourn? Well, let’s just say that I ingested, prayed, and endeavored to fathom love on a global scale as I traversed the world, assuming a nomadic existence and aimlessly wandering.
Upon the advice of my therapist, I began to transcribe my anguish. However, my writing extended beyond the confines of a mere journal. The journal transformed into a blog, which in turn birthed books. Those books ultimately manifested as essays published on Medium. I poured my heart and soul into relentless writing endeavors, seeking to unravel the depths of my lived experiences. I wrote to heal; I wrote to let go.
I languished in the flames of heartbreak for years after my divorce. I was not one of those individuals who effortlessly navigated the terrain of loss and heartache. It was inconceivable to me that such a fate had befallen me, and I remained in a state of shock for many years. I clung to the hope of reconciliation, even long after the irreversible unraveling of our relationship.
Originating from Indian culture, I had encountered few divorced individuals. The subject was seldom broached, neither at length nor before marriage. I had no exposure to divorced couples or even divorced friends.
I had never been privy to divorce narratives or the pain of it. I deliberately avoided listening to country music. And let me emphasize, this marriage was my inaugural experience of love. I had never endured heartbreak before.
Divorce was my earthquake and tsunami. It shook the very foundation of my existence and caused me to question the meaning of life.
For me, divorce encompassed everything. Attempting to comprehend, rationalize, overcome, and establish harmony with it became a personal arduous endeavor. I conversed about it with virtually everybody. I spoke to my readers about it. I even began coaching others who grappled with the same challenges that plagued me. Breakups and divorce became my enthrallment, and I lived, breathed, and spoke about them ceaselessly.
Thus, it should come as no surprise that I broach the subject of my ex and divorce on initial encounters. For me, divorce and separation were profoundly soul-crushing experiences.
I found it perplexing how individuals like my ex could move on from divorce so effortlessly. I felt an inherent bond with those who comprehended the depths of divorce’s anguish and heartache, much like I did.
In fact, I believed that those who had experienced the pain and profound grief of divorce, and had tirelessly strived for peace and acceptance, were the very individuals I sought to connect with. We forged connections born out of shared heartbreaks and divorce narratives. The women I have dated over the years have all endured excruciating heartbreaks. They intimately understood the depths of grief and heartache. They fought daily to attain serenity and release.
I am aware that people advise against discussing exes and past relationships, yet I am unable to curtail myself. I am cognizant that people caution against delving into one’s past, but I disregard such advice.
Roughly a year ago, I implored a lady to recount her divorce story as we sat in her car after breakfast. Her initial surprise soon dissipated, as she cast aside her reservations and opened up to me. Witnessing her vulnerability, authenticity, and resilience, I was captivated.
She remains an integral part of my life to this day, one year later.
People argue that discussing one’s past pushes others away.
Indeed, it repels the majority, but for me, a partner who embraces their past and derives strength from it is precisely what I seek. I yearn for a partner who possesses an intimate understanding of pain and has been molded by it.
Discussing exes, heartbreak, and divorce on a first encounter may not suit everyone. However, I have found it to be pivotal.
Learning about someone’s pain and witnessing their journey of overcoming adversity grants me an intimate glimpse into their soul.